30 Jan RE: Dream up stupid shit now, the stupider the better
An anonymous source has passed on what purports to be an internal memo from a major developer to its staff. We cannot verify its authenticity but present it here in the interests of promoting calm and rational discussion about various developers’ plans for the Gold Coast foreshore.
DATE: January 17, 2014
FROM: Boss man
TO: All Minions
RE: Dream up stupid shit now, the stupider the better
Right, some of you may have read reports in the meedja that the visionary plans for a cruise ship terminal at Bilinga by our good friends over at the Leda Group have been torpedoed by Can-Do Campbell, a stinking joke of a nickname if you ask me. During his election campaign Can-Do assured me that any crazy development plans put forward would get the nod, no matter how outlandish, as long as there’d be a photo op for him turning the first sod and some impressive figures to spout about job creation and economic outcomes. Can-do had promised us under his watch DA’s would come in rolls like toilet paper and we’d simply pull off as much as we needed. Apparently not. And why not? Because of the shrill bleating of a bunch of drug smoking, good for nothing, lay about, surfie scum. Unfuckingbelievable. But we will not be so easily vanquished. We will stand by our spurned comrades at Leda and will keep hurling ridiculous development applications and artists’ impression and CGI architects’ models over the parapets and have those surfies squealing like pigs and dancing like monkeys for fucking years if we have to. An offshore casino? I love it. When Bob first put that one forward even I was skeptical. But when I saw the drawings – all those cute little palm trees and sun lounges and gleaming high rise towers and massive rock wall sitting just off the coast in the perfect position to send backwash directly into the Coolangatta pointbreaks and royally fuck them forever – I knew he was onto something. So I want you all to get the message loud and fucking clear. Nothing is out of bounds. A casino on the top of Mount Lamington? Go for it. A golf course through Springbrook? Love it. A big game park for high rolling hunters to slaughter endangered species throughout National Parks? Go for your fucking lives. The more outlandish the better. We’ll get those greenie, pinko, druggie, bludger scum so tied up in knots protesting one preposterous DA after another, they’ll barely notice when we slip into the Broadwater with our new Chinese pals and whack up an entire city and start flying in planeloads of clueless cash cows to stuff the tills and line the crap tables. I have this mate in Dubai, Mohammed, who has promised to send me computer models of their most outlandish proposals (and they know a bit about outlandish proposals over there) and we need only transpose them to the Gold Coast foreshore in photo shop and, whammo! Bob is your fucking uncle. It costs peanuts so we can keep lobbing these grenades until the beach huggers’ eyes are bleeding and brains explode. This is going to be a golden age of greenie, surfie, druggie scum torment so buckle up for the ride minions. This’ll be fun. A week in Vegas for the dumbest idea. Anyway, excuse me, I have some mudcrabs to suck, which I had better get straight on to because Lord knows there’ll be precious few mud crabs left when we’re fucking done.